


so take me back

by wekingsandprettythings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Happy Ending, Introspection, Kidney Disease, M/M, Old Married Couple, References to Illness, Retrospective, Slice of Life, it's sad but happy you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 01:55:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20037997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: They were old. Dan knew it, Phil didn’t like to admit it.





	so take me back

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda sad but also kinda happy. a little slice of real life. 
> 
> inspired by Life in the City by the Lumineers.

They didn’t have sex anymore. 

It wasn’t Phil’s fault, Dan knew that. But he missed it dearly. He missed the closeness, the hot breath on his neck. The tight drag on his cock, be it from a hand or from being inside him. He missed holding Phil close, his nails dug in his back. He missed pressing his face into the mattress, or the shower wall. 

He missed the closeness. 

That's not to say they weren’t still close any chance they got. They still slept together, their sides of the mattress had specific dents and shapes in them made for their bodies. Dan still managed to grip his pillow while Phil spooned into him, till he got too hot and rolled to lay on his back. He still talked in his sleep, Dan still snored too loud. 

Sometimes he’d wake up in the night for a glass of water, seeing Phil laying peaceful. His crow's feet more prominent, he had smile lines that stood out even with his open-mouthed breathing, and surprisingly, he still had a full head of beautifully soft grey hair. He’d give him a quick kiss and walk to their kitchen. 

Maggie's light was on in her room, he could hear her and Eli talking still. They were visiting with the kids for the weekend. It was odd, most days their large house was empty and still, but then suddenly it would fill with love and laughter of the lives that they were responsible for. 

They had 3 kids. Margaret was 25 now, Sebastian was 22, and Elizabeth was 19. And they have grandkids now too, Maggie's kids are 4 and 2, Oliver and Paige. Sebastian and his wife were pregnant with a little girl due in November. And Lizzie was still in uni, she and her girlfriend from sixth form lived together in York now. They only saw her on holidays. 

They were old. Dan knew it, Phil didn’t like to admit it. It took Dan a long time to finally convince Phil to stop dying his hair, and even more to make him grow a beard (it lasted a month in February.) He was a handsome old man, he grew old gracefully just like his mother had. 

Dan leaned against the counter, gripping his glass of water to his chest. Sometimes he’d think about just how much had changed, just how old they got. Of how much time had passed. How much he missed Phil’s parents. And he cried. 

He wanted to be 18 again. He wanted to have fun with Phil, just the two of them. He wanted the parties and the sex and the fun. He missed all their trips, playing tag in Italy and being absolute fools in Vegas. But more than that, he didn’t want to miss a moment of his current life. 

He loved his children. He loved the memories he made with them. He remembered the first time they took them to Florida with Phil’s parents, Dan’s mum even joined to help with the little one. Travelling with 3 kids was a challenge, it was nice having some extra hands. Maggie was fine, she was 8 and pretty independent. Seb, now 5, slept most the way and loved being able to ask for a ginger ale whenever he was thirsty. But their baby, little Lizzie, she was 2 and a complete handful. 

It’s little things like that he remembers clear as day, like they happened last week and not 17 years ago. 

He finished his drink, he walked back to his bedroom. Phil was still asleep in the same position he was when Dan left. His hair all floppy on his face, his long legs spread over to Dan’s side, his mouth still hung open. Dan got back under the clovers and cuddled into Phil’s chest. His chest hair was also grey now, a little coarser than when they first met, but he still loved it. 

Phil woke up a bit, wrapping his arm around Dan’s back before swallowing deep and sighing. “The kids alright?” 

“Mhmm.” 

“Love you,” he said softly like he did every time he woke up. Whether Dan was awake or not. It often came with a kiss to his shoulder but today it came with a kiss to Dan’s balding head. 

He envied Phil’s long locks, how he could still quiff it and how he didn’t at all look like he was 62. The kids would say, you age well when you’re unproblematic, and it was true. Dan on the other hand, somewhere around 42, started to really bald. His widow's peak started to go back further every time he looked in the mirror. He finally decided to just shave it, with a 1 guard, getting close to the scalp but still leaving some of his salt and pepper hair. 

“I love you too,” he replied, a small smile against Phil’s chest that he knew he noticed. 

40 years of a life together had gone by fast, a little too fast. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked him. 

Phil nodded, “yeah, still a little nauseous from today.” 

“You did a lot, I told you that you should have just come home after dialysis,” Dan spoke softly, still bossy even after all this time. 

“I told Oli we’d go out just the two of us the next time they came up, I didn’t want my Kidney disease to get in the way of seeing my grandkids.” He spoke low like he was sad or angry. Dan felt his swallow hard. “I want them to be as happy with me as our kids were with my parents.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Phil held him tighter, “don’t be.” he kissed his head. “I’m fine.”

Dan hated his mind still after all these years. He tried to give Phil a kidney, but they sadly weren't a match. They matched everywhere else in life except where he needed to most. He hated himself for it, but he knew he couldn’t control his blood type, it wasn’t his fault. He knew that. But he hated himself. 

Phil really didn’t desperately need a kidney, he was told he could still live a long and happy life with dialysis 3 times a week. Phil reminded him of that every time he knew that Dan was sad about it. He was fine, they were happy, it was okay. Dan had to repeat that every once and a while. 

“I know.” 

They were quiet for a bit, Dan didn’t know if Phil was asleep or not yet. “I just miss you,” he whispered into his chest. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” 

“I hate being old.”

“I’m older,” Phil combated with a laugh. “But I understand.” 

“Can I tell you a secret,” Dan whispered.

Phil kissed his head and rubbed his back. Dan felt his ring against the back of his shirt, “It’s been forty years, you should know the answer.” 

“I miss having sex with you. And not in a horny creep way, I just miss being intimate with you.” he cried a bit. He felt stupid. 

Phil laid his cheek against Dan’s head. “This right here, sharing feelings in the dark and being close is being intimate too,” he spoke softly, Dan always said he should have been a therapist with the way he was so reassuring and calm and knowledgeable. “But I do miss the sex too.” 

“I reckon we’ve already had enough sex to last a lifetime, but more couldn’t hurt,” he laughed. 

“I can ask my doctor if it’s safe to try, but I don’t know.”

“Okay.” 

Before Dan could say anymore, there was a little knock on their door before it slowly opened just a crack. Dan clock on his dresser read 1:45 in bright green light. Little Oliver had stuck his head in the room. 

“Papa, poppy, I had a bad dream,” he said softly. 

“Come here,” Dan patted the bed. 

Oli came over, Dan pulled the 4-year-old up onto the bed and sat him in his lap. “Do you want to tell poppy about it?” 

He shook his head, “can I sleep in here?” he asked. 

“Of course Oli pop,” Phil said as Oli laid between them. 

“Fank you.” He cuddled into Phil, he loved his papa dearly. It made Dan’s heart melt to see him with babies once again. 

Dan cuddled into Oli, holding him and Phil close. “Love you, buddy.” 

“Love you too poppy, you too papa.” 

“Go to sleep now love.” 

Dan peaked his head up to look at Phil, his blue eyes still prominent in the dark. He smiled before giving Dan an air kiss, making the noise of a kiss too. Dan reciprocated. He sat his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes. 

By morning Paige had found her way into their bed too. Maggie came in sometime after the sun had risen and filled their mostly white room with beautiful golden rays of sunshine. She smiled, tilting her head and looking at her fathers with their grandkids. 

Life had been long so far. But it had been good.


End file.
